But I do. I'm gonna be here for another damn fucking rant because I can't seem to stop feeling the way i do all the time... it's really stupid and i really hate being so sad and crushed over this but i am. i don't want to, but i am. i try not to, but i do. i wish i didn't, but i do. i just hate it so much what am i talking about exactly? a whole bunch of crap, and if by chance some person comes across this and reads this, gg, because you're in for a whole shitload of unorganized crap. I've been feeling like shit at least once or week ors omething and it's really hitting me hard. it's the same problem again. it just doesn't go away, not yet anyway. no matter what i do, nothing changes, because everything is out ofm y hands. being gay is much harder than i thought when i first found out. i almost want to say i hate it but for some reason i don't all the guys i like are straight. all the guys that i'm interested in, they're straigh. all the guys i think are cute, they're straight. and i fucking refuse to settle for those stupid girly girl gay guys with their stupid high voices, tight ass clothes and faggoty personalitiesthat will grow up to orss-dess and shit like that. it's disgusting and they are looked down upon and i refuse to grow into that... but it's so hard to find a straight-acting bf let alone a gay guy. because it's like it's not like they don't like you back. it's not like you can think oh yeh that guy doesn't like me back but what if he gets to know me morewhat if he learns more about me maybe he might grow to like me. this is more like this guy likes girls.this guy does not like girls. he CAN'T like me back. he WON'T want to be in a relationship with me. and it hurts sometimes. it really does. usually i ignore it. usually i don't wanna bother people with my stupid ass shit and usually i keep my mouth sht but i always end up feeling the same sooner or later. joseph, jae, benjamin, brandon, david, ebnul they all go back to the same fucing answer: too bad they're not gay. too bad they won't ever want to be with you it's just i'm fucking sick of it i don't want do deal with this but who does... and i know relationships aren't everything please don't give me any of that shit right now. and then i don't want to bother other ppl about it cuz its not like the can do anything about it . i don't want to keep telling kathy over and over again the same thing becase she will get sick of me eventually... i'm already sick of myself... i don't want her to feel bad for me when there's nothing she can do. i'd rather her have a good day and not worry about me. and then if i tell jess she's just going to try to make me feel beter by making me believe it's not as big of a deal as it is but it IS. i know i'm still young. i know guys will reveal their sexualiies and know themselves better when i'm older. i know i don't NEED a boyfriend. I know one will eventuallycome. but that doesn't STOP me feeling the way i do. helpless. stupid. full of hope when i'm really full of stupidity. and then when she says those things that are true i can't help but feel worse because they don't really help... they just tell me to stop bitching and wait... and it's not that easy... i can't just suck it up and lksdjf do you know how fucking crushing it is to find out that hte person you like isn't ever going to be interested in you? do you know how much it hurts? it hurts like a bitch. and i'm not sure you might even understand . and then straight people are just hooking up all around me all the time and i'm just like good for you. you deserve it. you're a good person. and i smile and i laugh fo them and i hug them in congrats but really inside i hurt because i'm jealous and i know they have something that i can't have. and then i feel more like shit because they're so happy to have another human being to be with someone that feels the same way as you nad to have two people make each other happy just with each other's presence. and not only do i not get that i get this feeling of you can only see but no touching kind of thing and i don't know what i'm rambling on and on about now and i don't know what my point is but these are all just random thoughts about what's going on right now. there's so much more. like i can explain to you as much as i want but you might not ever be able to comprehend the pain that comes from knowing that the people you like will most likely never like you back. and we all know that in this world, most likely means never. like no matter how much i look at joseph, how much i ccan notice him and hope that he notices me back. no matter how much i hope that he says hi to me in the hallway just beacuse and now matter how much i hope that he greets me kindly and in any sort of affectionate matter, he just shrugs it off and walks by as if i'm a piece of air. like i don't exist. and the same with all the rest of them. they don't know. they don't care. they've got their own lives, dating girls, finding good girls to be with, which is good i guess because they deserve good girldfriends. they're good guys. they're good looking, they have nice personalities, and they deserve it. they don't deserve someone like me crushing on them, some GUY. a male. that would make them feel extremely uncomfortable while i would feel the happiest i'd ever be at the same time when i'm with them. shit. fuck this... idk what i'm saying... i'm just really stupid forget anything i said... | 
